A quiet rant

Okay, so manifestly NO ONE is reading my writings except maybe half a dozen of my closest friends. The pageviews tell the tale. I'm not going to beat myself up with the obvious implications of that.

Still, if this vehicle serve no other purpose, it's an opportunity to vent, and I have a thought on my mind that I really want to expand on so here goes: Jerry Springer is my enemy.

I have online acquaintances, what might be termed friends if the term can be applied to those who fall in that category on Facebook, who've appeared on that show. I regret that what I'm about to say can easily be taken as a slam against them but that's not my intent. it's a slam against Jerry. I'll admit that I consider it an act of either desperation or exceedingly poor judgement for a trans person to ever set foot on that stage, but such is the culture we live in, where being on TV is the ultimate win.

Why am I so passionate about this? Simple. For all the talk about the specifically hateful profiteers and political actors out there (I'm looking at you, Bryan Fischer) who, indeed, need to be countered - the average ignorant (is that redundant?) American is more heavily influenced by pop culture than be religious flamethrowers. In short, a very great many of those who would profess a willingness to "whoop my ass" for the bathroom i use, and quite possibly actually follow through, form their views of people like me based on the over-the-top bullshit on Springer.

"Ah," but you say, "intelligent people know that Springer isn't real and that's all just an act for fun."

Do they? We're talking about a populace that regularly assaults actors for the actions of the characters they play. I do not for one minute assume that the majority of Springer's audience thinks that nothing they see is real. These are the people who show up at the school board meeting when a trans student ask for respect, they are the ones stampeded into voting against any measure or candidate friendly to our safety; they are the people who won't hire a trans applicant; who will evict a trans tenant.

Jerry Springer knows all this, but he refuses to at least avoid exploiting our situations on his show. He directly fuels the ignorance, misconception, and hatred that costs us heath and happiness and even sometimes our lives. He is my enemy, and your enemy too, whether you know it or not.

Into the Darkness

My Facebook page has been filled today with the expressions of shock and sadness at the passing of Lisa Empanada. While she was not a direct acquaintance of mine, let alone one I cold call friend (other than that ephemeral friendship that all of us who travel the same road share) and while it's quite true that the specifics of what happened and why are not very well known and indeed may never be, it's been said she took her own life and that choice, as well as the various reactions to it, provoke me to write tonight not specifically about her, for I cannot know the details of her situation, but about the phenomena in general, and what brings us to the point of slipping into the darkness.

My thoughts tonight are, in a sense, two posts in one. I'm inclined both to speak outward, to the world at large, and inward, to that circle of people for whom these are indeed life and death choices. so forgive me if there appears to be a radical change of subject a bit further down.

In another place where I write, I was once cautioned that i tended to present possibly a too-negative description of the pressures that come to bear on the person who sets out to transition gender. That advice was well taken because too much negativity can serve to add to the chains that keep the transsexual person closeted behind their mask, afraid of the consiquences of moving forward.

That said, it is important both for the potential transitioner to not be blindsided by the potential obstacles, but it is also important - and too seldom addressed  - for the cis-gendered population to wrap their heads around how much of that pressure and obstruction arises directly from ignorant and ill-willed attitudes displayed by non-trans people. One can easily detail all the various ways in which the transition journey, while leading to a very desired destination, can for some lead through some very dark valleys before you get there. it is a verified fact that the vast majority of those who achieve full transition are very very happy with the results themselves. Strikingly rare is the person who regrets their own physical transformation.

However, as stories like that of Christine Daniels testify, there are those who even having achieved what outwardly seems to be the most successful of transitions, are tormented by some regret that is collateral to the process. perhaps a lost love, perhaps a bitter ex who cuts you off from your kids, perhaps the loss of a career for which one was passionate. These are all examples of how ignorance or ill-will can create negative feedback which can be destructive to even the most (apparently) successful trans person.
It should be remembered too, that very often this negative feedback reinforces a lifelong pattern of negative self-evaluation, because it is inherent to the closeted transsexual to spend much of their life in fear that they will never be good enough, or "normal" enough to be respected and loved. For even the best of us there's usually a lot of psychological wounding and scarring to deal with. To take such a psyche and pound away at it with animosity and negativity can often be a recipe for a downward spiral that is almost impossible to halt. And it would be a mistake to assume that such a process is always obvious.

Now certainly there can be situations which provoke those negative thoughts, even suicidal thoughts, which have nothing to do with the attitude of others. Despondency over ever being able to afford transition is certainly one obvious example  (which could be greatly aided were these treatments rout8inely covered by insurance, BTW) or worse, being medically prevented from these treatments by a conflicting medical condition.

But the fact remains that if we in the trans community want to see these numbers reduced, we MUST educate those who don't understand us. Certainly their will always be unrepentant bigots, but so many of our critics could be won over if we take the time to lovingly help them understand. Every person who's heart you help change is a person who might not be the trigger that sends our brothers and sisters into that dark place from which they cannot escape. Do not be obnoxious, do not be hostile, do not be defensive - but do be gently, compassionately, PERSISTENT.

In the mean time, if you are one of those people out there who feels the darkness closing in, despite the fact that you present your friends and acquaintences with a hopeful image, remember a few things:

1. You did NOT take off one mask to put on another one. You and I know what it's like to spend most of your life trying to make the world see a "you" that was not authentic, and how much pain that caused. Why then will we torture ourselves by doing that all over again, only with a different mask?  Our mantra, if it is anything, is "Be Real" - so when you are hurting, when you don't feel "normal enough" - find a friend and SAY SO.

2. Remember that when you are forced to make that final decision, the worst of your critics WIN. Think about that one harshest and most hurtful critic you have, the one who might even say to your face that you are a monster that doesn't deserve to live. Are you going to give THAT person the satisfaction of quitting  and justify the lie that your transition was a function of mental illness, not biology?

3. There are scores, maybe hundreds, of women tonight crying bitter tears that Lisa did not give them a chance to make a difference. However isolated you feel, each and every one of them - every one of US - longs to be the voice who breaks through the darkness and becomes a ray of light and hope in your existence. please give someone that chance.

For the rest of us? Never miss the chance, not ever, to say to the apparently despondent person or even the one that seems to you to have it all together, "You are loved!" because you never know for who that message might be the one lifeline that stays their hand.

Can we all agree to do that?



[image by Stephanie Y.]

Be afraid! (or not)

Last month the big “trans story” came out of California, but was so quickly supplanted by the announcement regarding Chelsea Manning that it got pushed out of the public view with much less commentary that usually happens in these cases. Truth be told, that's a good thing as such progress usually is more effective, ultimately, when it takes place quietly and incrementally. Because you can look back in five or ten years and say “See? Civilization didn't collapse after all!”

I'm speaking, of course, about the bill signed by Gov. Brown which affirmed a policy already in place in quite a few school districts in California (and elsewhere, for that matter) which allows transgender youth to use the facilities, and participate in the activities, consistent with their identified gender rather than the one assigned at birth.

For the consideration of the potential reader who may not be well versed in the intricacies of trans-related terminology and so forth, let me explain. The phrase “assigned at birth” is not meant to imply that everyone's gender is arbitrary. Rather, it reflects the reality that for a very small percentage of births, the apparent gender of the infant is not, after all, the correct one – but the delivering doctor has no obvious way to determine this at birth. So when the doctor says “it's a boy” or “Its a girl” he's reacting to what he can see, which is 99'9% (or so) reliable. That's your “assigned” gender, which almost no one ever has any reason to wonder about. But occasionally, a child is assigned based on visual evidence incorrectly. Such a child is considered, in most cases, intersex when the situation is discovered. Sometimes the intersex condition is visible, and parents are asked to decide how to handle it. THAT is a subject for another day.

Your identified gender is your internal sense of self, who you believe you are – and it has nothing to do with the physical construct of your outward appearance. It might be customary to think that “because I have a vagina, I therefore know I'm a female” but the reality is that there's no sense in which a child doesn't know what they are until they learn the difference between one set of plumbing and the other. All sorts of examples might be offered to support this premise but that, too, would be a tangent. Short story: you know what gender you are innately, not based on outwardly visible data. Again, for 99+% of the population the outward data and the internal data are consistent. On rare occasions they are not. These people are, depending on the term you want to use (see my previous post on the subject) transgender, transsexual, or intersex.

Contrary to the popular mythology, it's more common for a trans person to know about their gender incongruity as a child than the reverse. Admittedly, there's a reason that myth exists. Until the last 10-15 years, the overwhelming majority of trans-kids would have felt an almost unimaginable social pressure to conceal their status. If they did display “cross-gender” feelings or actions, they were in almost every case browbeaten into conformity, and all this negative feedback of course reinforcing in their mind a sense of self-shame that persists far into adulthood. In my generation, accepting yourself is something that takes you often into your 40's to do.

With each succeeding generation that drops. One can basically correlate the age at which any person comes out with the age they reached in the first decade of this century. In other words, if you survey a thousand out trans people, the vast majority started their transition within the last 15 years, no matter what age they were at the time. That's simply a result of the increased volume of information available in the internet age than had been before. Not unexpectedly, it takes a while for cultural traditions to catch up with new information, or increased availability of information, both of which apply in relation to the science of being trans.

But the truth remains, a very high percentage of people born trans understand their gender dysphoria long before they leave school. The question then becomes, how do we as a society, as the responsible adults, react to this? Predictably, the traditionalist (masquerading as the defenders of morals) express shock and outrage that trans kids would be accommodated. Policies like the one in California (and many other local districts around the country, including the major metro school districts in Texas of all places) which seek to make the world a safer and more tolerant place for the one or two in a thousand kids who have gender dysphoria are twisted into outlandish claims that schools are purposely confusing the gender of your kids.

It's utter nonsense. Documented cases exist in which misguided adults tried to indoctrinate a child into a specific gender identity, with horrifically failed results. One need only consider the fact that medical and psychological science has utterly failed to come up with an effective treatment to “cure” a transsexual person of gender dysphoria. Heck, one need only ask themselves “what possible strategy might have been applied to me, when I was six, to make me think I was the opposite gender?” Are any of you willing to admit that could have been done? Of course it couldn't.

What remains, then, is teaching kids a pretty simple message, paraphrased thus: “You may someday have a classmate who believe they are the opposite sex from what you thought they were. This is a real condition, just like diabetes or anything else, and it's stupid to be mean to them for it, so don't do that, okay?” What's so objectionable about that?

“But,” the traditionalist cries, “Bathrooms! Locker rooms! Wild penises running around everywhere!!!”

Again, it's nonsense on so many levels. There may have been a time when no one anywhere ever used the bathroom with people of the opposite sex, in which one could have claimed it was dangerous to individuals or society to do so. Just as there was a time when people would have declared it a danger to society for blacks and whites to toilet in the same place. But for whatever reason, some places did it anyway. Guess what? No “Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!” too place. Well, some folks might be on the fringes of that mass hysteria thing, but almost all of them are getting paid handsomely to be there.

In point of fact, we have a substantial data sample now, in both public settings and student settings, demonstrating conclusively that the predicted dangers failed to appear. Yes, occasionally some pervy man – a cis-man by the way – violates women's private spaces with his person or his technology, but there's no correlation at all between those fairly rare incidents and the local policies and laws being trans friendly or not. The whole “men will claim to be trans in order to gain access to vulnerable women” prediction completely failed to materialize. Even in school districts, this policy has been in place on the local level for, in some cases, close to a decade – long enough for us to see what the downside is. Here's the thing – no downside. All the rabble rousing is so much scare tactics proffered to you by people who KNOW based on available data that the thing they are warning you about hasn't happened.

So you, if you believe the rantings of everyone from Peter LaBarbara to Scott Lively to Bryan Fischer, if you believe the dire scare stories on WND, ONN, or the Christian Post – you need to ask yourself “why do these people continue to lie to me? What's in it for them?” Then consider the fact that every one of them will remind you that they are in business thanks to the generous financial support of believers like you.

You do the math.

Five Years On

And what have we learned?

September 1, 2008. I took the first rash step on what has been a life-saving journey five years ago and there's a part of me that very much wants to mark that anniversary with a profound bit of writing that will be worthy of the (completely arbitrary) milestone. But as I sit here and think back over the road thus far, I'm not sure that any profundity will emerge. Still, I don't think I want to go in an upbeat direction. I'm in a more mellow state of mind. Maybe someday I'll write a more lighthearted commentary on what I learned on "the other side of the street" so far - in a couple of months I'll reach 4 full years of full time presentation as a woman. But I'm not in that kind of mood tonight.

One of the things that you do gain, apart from the obvious, in undertaking transition is a great deal more clarity than you had before. Of course there's clarity about your own heart and mind and soul. Anyone who was not wholly invested in the necessity of this process will certainly turn back in the fact of the difficulty of the task. Occasionally you will hear of a case of "regret" or a person who decided to "de-transition" and I feel sad for those people because they are either people who tried it for the wrong reasons (Hiya Walt!) or those for whom the lack of support and outright opposition from loved ones was too much to take. Often those in that latter group ends in a tragic place. I sometimes wonder if those who pulled out every stop to undermine a transition or reject their trans "loved" one are at peace with their choices after they had to bury the one they rejected. I myself have been told, in all seriousness, that it would be far better had I taken my own life than that i transitioned - and this by those who profess to love me. what kind of love is that, exactly? So yes, you face that kind of challenge, both emotionally and all the various circumstances regarding the cost, the physical pain, the rejection of the world, the loss of career and social standing and all the rest - it burns away the dross in your life and gives you a clear view of your priority.

Likewise, you get a much clearer understanding of the immediate world around you. Trans people find themselves cut off with people that they thought were the most loyal, close family and old friends often just disappear or, if they do maintain any sort of relationship it's laced with open contempt. I'm estranged from my father, who thinks I'm "crazy as hell"...but that was a difficult relationship anyway. More surprising to me was that it's been over 4 years since I've had any interaction with my brother and, as far as I can tell, there's a specific mandate among his family to NOT give me any point of contact information. Here's a guy who, make during my hyper-religious days, came to me to tell me about his impending divorce and received nothing but understanding - even though the Bible says far more about divorce than about me. Now, when love and understanding need to flow in the other direction, the tap is turned off and welded shut. so be it.

Discretion does not even allow me to begin to comment on the things I've heard from my spouse, or the things I've experienced. suffice it to say that i have a lot more clarity about people's priorities. There are others I could comment on - my one time "best friend" who's all too willing to throw me under the bus and talk about me in terms that would imply he never liked me at all, for example. But the point is  made I think. It is, though, only fitting that I also remark that others, such as my mother, have also shown their true colors during this difficult time and that reflecting well upon their character and their heart.

You get clarity on a larger scale too, the folks so blinded by religious tradition that they lose site of what it means to love your fellow human being; the people so obsessed with making you pay that they go out of their way to poison your job prospects or even your marriage; the knowledge that even those who've known you their whole life can't show enough compassion to even have a civil discussion with you about it. And on the other hand the people you basically never knew at all until they stepped up and said "I admire your courage" and become new friends, more true than any of the ones you claimed that title that you lost.

You get clarity about the world at large and just how infested the human race is with, let's call it what it is, meanness. The hundreds and hundreds of remarks I've seen in various media from those who claim the name of Christ and profess to be defending morals which are just flat out hateful is stunning. Let's be clear, I don't toss around the word "hateful" lightly. there are several religious conservative organizations that the SPLC calls a hate group that I don't think are at all motivated by hate. They do not intentionally speak or act hatefully, it's just that their ignorance and loyalty to tradition  leads then to inadvertently say and do hateful things. THAT is not what i mean. What I refer to is, for example, the sort of thing I saw on WND just last night. You see, i can't even post a comment on that site because I'm banned, despite never having lowered myself to any sort of antagonistic comment on that site. meanwhile, the "good Christians" (so professed) go on about how trans people are perverts and freaks who ought to be institutionalized, lobotomized, or even euthanized for the good of society - and those comments and the ones who posted them go unmolested. This is not the exception, this is the majority on any number of supposed "Christian" sites.

There was a time I'd have argued such a thing would never be possible. Then you look at just how often a trans person is assaulted, raped, or killed (or all three) for the offense of being what they are and ...yeah, it's pretty hard to not be very cynical about the human race.

The remarkable thing, though, is that the more clarity you get, the more peace you have in your own soul. At least that has been my experience. It is about like the Biblical analogy of the refiner's fire. The difficulties of this process burn away the people and things in your life which are not true and worthy, and leave you with a much smaller, but more precious, possession instead.

I'm not done, far from it. in fact, in my state of poverty I despair of ever finishing the process to the extent I'd prefer. Even when or if that ever is the case, I'll still have to deal with regrets. Every day I have to remind myself to focus on what I've gained and not waste time mourning for all the experiences
I feel ought rightfully have been mine that I'll never ever get to live. There's no comparison between transitioning at 20 and transitioning at 45-50 in terms of the life you have left in front of you. but then I remember that many people my age are dealing with serious issues like cancer or renal failure or whatever, many didn't even live this long, so quit my whining and be glad for what I have.

I'm not done. not even with the things i could have done even in the midst of poverty, because I have personal obligations of the heart that i have refuse to just throw away. I have friends who don't understand my commitment, and advise me to move on. I have enemies who spit on my efforts rather than recognizing the sincerity of them because they can't see me as anything other than a villain. Certainly it would be a lie to deny that there are not moments when i am tempted to say "this is too hard" and wash my hands of it - to cut all the strings which tie me to my past life and which force me to spend some part of every day having "him" rubbed in my face. Nevertheless, I'm resolved to be able to look in the mirror every day and say "I did my best" in how I handle this situation.

Because clarity extends beyond just confirming you have the strength to transition, it shows you how much strength you have in every other area of life too.

Chelsea Manning and the Big Picture

I've been taking in and digesting a lot of material over the last week or so about the Chelsea (nee Bradley) Manning and the complex matrix of her crime, her trial, her treatment, and her condition. The complexity of the situation is staggering and, even for one as verbose as myself, defies a straightforward assessment.  There's a really good book to be written here, by one connected enough to gather the facts. Sadly, the book we get probably won't be that book.

I'm not going to attempt to go into any sort of deep analysis of the progression of events, rather I'll link you to the best thing I've seen written on the subject. but what i do want to do is step around the superstructure that's already been erected over the various interlocking elements of this story and look for a moment at the broader implications for the trans community which could potentially grow out of Manning's situation.

However, in order to do that I do need to review the most specific salient points to lay the factual foundation for my comments. Manning is 25 years old, and joined the Army just before her 20th birthday. she almost washed out of boot camp (a discharge order was created, then revoked) and there were red flags about her suitability for the service throughout her enlistment and even before. Other writers have well covered the argument that Manning should never have been IN the Army, let alone have access to sensitive information.

Alongside that, the situation in the Army, vis-a-vi security, retention, and the DADT policy all can be faulted in various ways for the nexus of events which led Manning to have the access she had. Whatever one's view of her crimes, and the motivation behind them, one has to be blind to believe that Manning "beat the system" and cleverly outsmarted anyone. There are truckloads of culpability backed up in a row here. As we all know, Manning chose to transmit to the site Wikilinks a huge document dump of classified information. However, the Army testifies that no life has been lost, or is expected to be, due to Manning's actions.

I shall, in this writing, take no position on the action to reveal the documents. It is not the purpose for which I've created it. Rather, my interest is in the implications which might be drawn from the situation as it now stands. Chelsea Manning was a self-identified transsexual* having reportedly revealed this to more than one other person, well before the "espionage" event. Though there's some evidence that she viewed herself as a gay male for her early adult years.  This no doubt comes as a shock to many people who get their information from the nightly news or other mainstream media because they've treated that bit of established fact is if it were a pile of nuclear waste that they dare not touch.

Likewise, both before the Incident and after, the Army refused to deal in a head-on way with this reality. the did not discharge her when she outed herself (as DADT would require at the time) nor did they offer her significant care to attempt to deal with her distress, nor have they treated their prisoner as a woman in any regard or, indeed, in a way which constitutes recognizing the particular needs of a trans inmate. Some will no doubt scoff at the close timeline between the willingness to reveal gender dysphoria, and the crime being committed, but there's no visible evidence of lack of sincerity about her GD situation.

Now, with her lawyer having boldly proclaimed Chelsea's wishes on national TV, most feign shock and surprise and a "where did this come from?" attitude and propose to begin the conversation of what should be done with her - a conversation that rightly should have been long held by this point.  Even here, as she is facing a 35 year sentence, at least eight of which she'll serve in Ft. Leavenworth (which is a military prison, separate from the Leavenworth Federal prison for civilians), the situation hasn't gotten less complex at all, just taken on a new dynamic.

The controversy now bears considerable resemblance to the ongoing legal battle in Massachusetts concerning the claims of convicted murderer Michelle Kosilek that part of her essential medical health treatment includes Gender Reassignment surgery (GRS - also known by various other labels). In that state, government lawyers for the prison system vociferously fight to deny the treatment, which a U.S. district judge says is her civil right. That case is now before the First Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals.

Kosilek's legal case is, in some respects, more cut and dried in that there's no moral mitigation for her crimes (committed while still living as a man) but those details are not really relevant to the point I feel needs to be addressed. The central point of controversy here, and the one sure to spark the indignant outrage of a large segment of the population, is common to both these cases as well as several others: Is the prison obliged to expend taxpayer funding for the treatment of Gender Dysphoria (the sole effective treatment being transition)?

This question provokes outrage even from some in the trans community itself. It is not uncommon to see the sentiment expressed something like this: "Why should a convicted murderer (or whatever the crime) be privileged to have their treatment paid for while I, a law abiding citizen, can't afford mine?!"

As one of those who cannot afford a great many aspects of treatment, I completely sympathize with this instinct. It parallels, of course, the anger many non-trans people feel on the issue (if they are aware of it) because many people will argue that a convicted criminal should receive only the most basic health care intervention - or none at all. Many people are really invested in the "make them suffer" paradigm. I won't try to persuade anyone who holds that view to change it. The over-riding reality is, that the courts do not hold that view. There's a long legal history now of the courts firmly coming down on the side of providing prisoners with a full slate of health care ruling that to fail to do so violates the 8th Amendment. That is thoroughly established legal precedent and all the howls of protest won't change it. So the question of Manning's treatment, and Kosilek's and the rest of the trans persons who are incarcerated HAS to be discussed within that context.

It's clear, to logically thinking observers who are not biased against the interest of trans people that the answer to their requests for transitional treatment MUST be "yes." Why? Because upon that question turns the whole concept of whether transitional treatment is recognized at large as a legitimate medical expense. As opposed to cosmetic or elective procedures.  I don't need to tell you that, while some city policies and a few major employers (such as Microsoft and Disney to name just two) have updated their coverage to include trans related care, the vast majority of insurance policies, including government insurance (though this may change soon) excludes trans-related treatment from covered options. The decision makers in the insurance industry often take their cues from the courts, and court rulings upholding treatment for Kosilek and others benefit all insured trans people by establishing the official position that the care is legitimate.

The law-abiding trans person who protests Kosilek's surgery, or Manning's treatment, spites themselves because all of us are in better standing before the insurance industry when those rulings happen. To be clear, the courts are not making this "right" up out of whole cloth either, but these decisions reflect the consensus of the medical, scientific, and psychological professional communities. It is from THOSE professionals that the court draws guidance. But insurance companies will spurn that guidance until they are forced to do differently, either by the  client purchaser, or by the court.

I have no real answer for the cis-person who says "feed em bread and water and let them suffer" except to say that you'll need to take your position to the court and argue with them. but for the trans person who resents the possibility that manning will eventually get transitional treatment in prison - STOP IT! Every time you voice that view what the cis-person hearing you says is "Oh? so it IS elective treatment after all? You don't HAVE to have it? Thought so." Please do not surrender your legitimacy and your credibility in a pique over the perceived imbalance of the prisoner's treatment. Ultimately, we are closer to being covered - each of us - every time a court rules in favor of someone like Manning. It's true that Manning, being a prisoner of the Army, is under a different set of rules but the Army, too, os bound not to violate the civil rights of their prisoners.

Consider this chain of events:
>Kosilek (and others) get court ordered treatment;
>>Manning sues, based on that precedent, and the courts affirm that it's a matter of civil rights (equality before the law) that Manning get treatment as directed by her doctors;
>>>Trans civilian sues insurance company demanding coverage, citing the foregoing court decisions as precedent and wins. Bam. Trans exclusions in private and public insurance policies are dismantled; Including, for instance, medicare.
>>>>Trans service members, citing manning, are armed to appeal the military's unfair policy towards trans service members, including but not limited to health care.

I, for one, calculate the price her to be well worth it. And before someone begins to bemoan the cost of that treatment, consider that in Kosilek's case, the projected cost of mental health care treatment ongoing into the future exceeds the cost of the surgery by a wide margin. consider too, that the state has now incurred enough expense fighting her operation that they could have paid for around 100 such operations. GRS, when medically indicated, is in fact a cost-effective treatment for an incarceration of any significant length.

As for Manning, the point has been made that a 25 year old person can surely wait 8 years for surgery. indeed, in the abstract that is true. Manning has not yet indicated an intention to even pursue a surgical treatment while incarcerated. I can testify to the burden and necessity of long waits, as I began my transition five years ago and would be stunned if I've obtained that surgery within the next three. I'm insanely jealous of acquaintances I've had who had the money to go from start to finish in 2 years and sometimes less. Nevertheless, we must not lose site of the principle at stake here. If Manning's treating physicians agree that GRS is indicated and necessary treatment, then I want to see her get it. Not because she can't wait but because WE can't wait.



*Regarding my use of the word "Transsexual": I recognize that in some circles within the trans community, there's a lot of debate about the proper use of these labels. for my fuller exposition on that subject, see my previous post Transgender 101, but suffice to say in this space that while many would like to push the word transsexual into the dustbin, I hold the view that it is perfectly reasonable to distinguish between the transgender person who is born with a condition which they have no choice and and which is only fully resolved by transition, from the transgender person who for whatever reason lives in a way that is inconsistent with traditional gender expectations. in short, what I am and what a drag queen are is not the same thing (transsexuals who also do drag notwithstanding) yet both are considered "transgender." I will not compromise the argument that we need more specificity and clarity than that. I am not a separatist, nor do I hold either as superior to the other. but they are distinct and we should not whitewash that.

So whenever you see me write about the broader spectrum of trans issues, I'll readily say "transgender", but when the subject is a person who is engaged in, wishes to be, or has completed a physical modification of their body in order to align it with their brain sex, or an issue related specifically to that process, I'll be using the word "transsexual" - deal with it.

Coming Soon

Within the next couple of weeks I'm going to be reaching a significant anniversary and it occurs to me that I've been too slack, for too long, in some of the things I have within my power to do to make an assertive difference in my future.

To this point, I've unconsciously resigned myself to certain obstacles - which still exist to be sure,  and that combined with a tendency to procrastination and time-wasting, as well as an overworked skepticism about my potential, have combined to rob me of my passion to not allow the things I can't change to hinder the things I CAN change. Among these, for instance, is weight loss. It is perfectly valid for me to note that I don't have sufficient income to pay for the significant transition related costs still in front of me, or even non-trans related care that is needed. it is not valid for me to then resign myself to being 70 or so pounds overweight when I can at least try to be proactive about that.

Likewise, my ever-in-progress novel, which hasn't been significantly contributed to in months, is within my power to work on. it is perhaps the one thing in my life that I have a lot of confidence in. Yet, there's a part of me that is afraid to find out that the work which I believe to be so good (as I envision it) as to be literally life-changing for me and my future might, instead, find lukewarm response and be swept aside with the tens of thousands of other slightly read titles. but it's time I faced that fear and make it happen. while it's true that I've had a rather massive case of writer's block about how to maintain a sufficient level of dram through the middle of the book, there are strategies that can be employed and it's time I made time to make it happen, for better or worse.

Similarly, I find myself wasting inordinate amounts of time posting extensive commentaries on the news of the day on various forums, blogs, news-sites, and social media outlets (i.e. the time sucking vortex that is Facebook) while this blog sits untouched for six months at a time. that's just silly. If I want this site to have a wider audience in order to serve as a vehicle to my longed for writing career, then  my thoughts need to be published here. Even if that means it's more difficult to find time to debate elsewhere.
That's my weakness, by the way. I LOVE the contest of ideas that comes from a good debate. I love to engage the opposing view and make compelling arguments which may or may not change that person's mind but which nevertheless makes the opposing arguments visible to the by-standing reader who can contrast and consider who made the better case. That's a more difficult thing to do on a blog which seldom entertains contrary opinions even if you have a high pageview count (which I don't). But I'm never going to have much traffic if i don't have much content - and anyone who knows me knows i have content to offer, it's simply a matter of focusing my output here and giving readers a reason to visit.

As to the problem of contrary opinions, that's simply an inherent limitation of the format of blogging.  but it's a matter of self discipline that I build up the interest in this page, if possible, even if that doesn't satisfy my taste for debate.

In the future, you'll see me comment here on the major stories of the day - usually not in the heat of the moment but after the big event has percolated around the 'net for a few days and the initial wave of reactions has come ashore. Chelsea (nee Bradley) manning being the latest example of the sort of thing that will get me writing. also, I'm going to try something new in that I will be sharing with you snippets of rough draft fiction writing or ideas and characters I'm playing with, to give you a bit of a tease for the sort of fiction writing I hope to offer. Additionally, there will be an irregular serious of memoir type posts which may or may not eventually lead to something bigger in that regard. I'm very reluctant to do the "tell my story" bit because, frankly, it seems every third trans woman out there tries to kickstart their writing career with a memoir. It's a very saturated field and one ought to hesistate to assume they have something fresh to add. However, as free content on a site that you hope people will visit and be engaged in, it becomes something I'm interested in doing.

Be advised: even though I style myself a writer, my absolute weakest talent is proofreading my own work. you should EXPECT to see some non-standard grammar, be that simply an uncaught error, or an unconventional but purposeful writing style (it is my goal to write in such a way as to convey a conversational tone and I sometimes employ punctuation, among other things, to evoke a sense of "pause here" and so forth). you'll see mistakes of spelling, punctuation, and capitalization (most notable, the infamous uncapitalized "i" to name one. 

If you are a stickler for strict adherence to proper grammar and construction in all writing, you may find my work here intolerable on that score - but do understand that this is NOT a reflection of that work which I see to publish for sale. That book (books, one hopes) when it arrives will be scrupulously edited for that sort of thing.

Finally, you should also be aware that I tend to be verbose. you are much more likely to see a post of 150 words than one of 300 words. one former friend described me as a person who, when asked the time, would tell you how they made the watch. Admittedly i need practice in being concise, but on the other hand - I have little interest in shallow fluff being passed off as regular content. There will no doubt be those moments, but most days if I post a link to something here, grab a cup of coffee and be prepared to spend 10 minutes or so reading. hopefully you'll find the content worthy of your investment.

You may imagine that the time will come when i will heavily shill this site and the book, one skill I need to develop if this is to become my life's work, is self-promotion, at which I am terribly unskilled.  I will tell you on the front end of this new-beginning that it is my hope that between now and then you will be impressed enough to join me in promoting the work, not because you like me but because it's actually good enough for you to recommend.

So. Shall we begin?

One.

Something crossed my mind yesterday, in another context, which I've been meditating on ever since. There's an element to my experience with this transition that I don't think I've ever seen explicitly addressed in all the reading I've done on this and related subjects.

Most of you few, noble readers know me well enough to know something of my life situation but for those who don't: I live in a small southern town of a little over 5,000 people. I'm part of a sometimes struggling marriage (due mostly to the difficulty of dealing with transition) and am the parent of two boys, one grown and one soon to be. I'm employed in a low-pay retail job (after almost 2 years of unemployment), despite holding a BS degree and, at one time, a license to teach. I'm also 49 years old and struggling to lose a significant amount of weight before it causes more health issues than I can possibly overcome. A lot of that isn't relevant to today's point but I figure if you are laying out the background you might as well get it out there at once, eh?

So, anyway. In a town this size, statistically speaking their ought to be 5-10 trans people among the population (albeit the rate statistics for this thing are all over the board, I'm taking the most conservative figures when I say that). I'm aware of at least 2 others, one of whom is reportedly completely stealth, and another one or two who may be but do not identify as such. Expand the population to the county level (over 22,000) and you should find 20-40 (probably on the low end since one assumes distribution would not be equal due to migration). But not everyone who IS trans has accepted that identity, and not all those who have are out of the closet. Of those that remain some achieve stealth and the casual person doesn't know.

I can assure you there's not even double figures of out and known trans people in this county. In fact I'd argue that if you surveyed the population, over 95% of the people would say that there is either none, or only one, in this county – me. Of the others that I'm aware of, none are to my knowledge married.

The practical every-day result of this is that, laying aside pejorative connotations of the word, I'm a freak. An odd-ball. Every consideration, every adjustment, every effort at understanding, no matter how broad they apply in theory, apply in principle only to me and those connected to me. If you consider for instance whether you want to be welcoming in your church to trans people it's a lot easier to be intolerant when there's just the one local freak you are excluding and not a whole group of people like another race or whatever.

So, let's just take for example an issue common to the trans experience pretty universally – the question of what bathroom to use.

No matter how many local people are my friends, no matter how many are supportive, no matter how many more are at least compassionate – the bottom line is that I'm in the position of challenging a strong social convention ALONE. If I want it recognized that I have a right to use the ladies room like any other woman, I'm in the position of asking EVERYONE else to adjust their feelings and views for ONE person (insofar as they know). There's no one else who is here to stand shoulder to shoulder who can say “this affects me too.” If there's a confrontation, I stand alone. If there's humiliation, it's mine to bear. If there's even arrest or violence – it's on me. I love and appreciate my friends who support me but if I fight for my rights and lose, THEY are not directly affected – just me.

I can make all the reasonable logical discussion points my mind can conceive, and there are a great many, I can pour out my heart about the emotional impact of having my self-identity rejected, but ultimately no one else knows from experience that it is an important thing, not a trivial stunt. The same applies to housing, employment, whatever. I can't tell you how often we hear some version of “why can't you just do that at home, or out of town, or some such with the unstated implication “so that normal people don't have to put up with you.” As if this were a hobby, or an optional thing that could be turned on or off at will. From their point of view, it's not discrimination against a group – it's just this one weirdo we want to go away.

By the same token, my sons are the only ones in this community who have to admit to a parent like me, my spouse is the only person who's “lost” a husband to this. You can find an understanding sympathetic soul who can say “I know how you feel” if your husband beats you, or your wife cheated on you, or your husband dies, or your wife becomes paralyzed, or whatever. But she has not one person close by who can say to her “I know how you feel.”

Again, I don't want to minimize the tremendous value of having supportive friends (nor the flip side, the considerable heartache that can come from non-supportive “friends”) but still, it's almost impossible to not feel a huge sense of isolation. In virtually any situation where your entire interaction is with cis-women (or men for that matter) who know your history, there's always the lingering doubt that they are “humoring” you, that as nice and compassionate and big-hearted as they are – they don't REALLY see you as a woman like them. That's always a faint shadow on any interaction, but it is magnified greatly when a situation, like the bathroom thing, which arises where they don't have a direct stake in the outcome.

All this is perhaps the major reason why, if circumstances permitted, I would so love to get out of this little country town. As much as I love the woman I am seeing more and more in the mirror, I really don't enjoy being the only member of my “kind” that I know on a face-to-face basis.

But don't let anything I've said discourage you from being supportive of me, or of trans people in general. If I had no friends who supported me despite not understanding how this feels, it might have been too hard to do. Certainly there are those who will come after me, or who even now are facing things alone (or so it seems to them) who need allies. I'll close by sharing with you a link. This column is a remarkable argument for being a supporter of trans people even when you yourself have no personal stake on the surface. It's good to know, no matter what my transitory feelings of isolation might suggest, that such people are out there – may they grow in number.