[Note: this is one of a series of posts written over the course of five-plus years at another site which I am importing to this site by hand. It will serve to preserve the content as the old site is eventually shuttered. As such, it will have the appearance of a huge wave of new posts. Feel invited to browse through this content if it is new to you. Comments, feedback, and follows appreciated. If it's not new to you, I ask your indulgence while this process is ongoing.]
(originally posted in two parts in March 2013)
Part One
Here we go. Come in, take a seat. The lecture is just about to begin.
As I alluded to last week, I'm going to attempt to make this series an “entry level” discussion. For many of you, particularly veterans of this blog, much of this is “old news” but I ask you to be patient with me. Somewhere out there, right now, someone is searching the internet for information. They just found out about their husband, their boyfriend, their brother, their son – and everything they know about being trans they learned watching Jerry Springer. Someone is looking for help with these feelings they do not understand and have been made to believe they should be ashamed and embarrassed. Maybe they are 15...or 50. Maybe they are 35, or 21. Sure, there are tons of really good in depth sites out there, some more technical and complex than others. But maybe they ended up here, and they just want something on their level.
This is for them. In the mean time, maybe you have a hard time explaining to your wife, your sister, your mom, just what's going on with you. Maybe you can't find the right words. This is for you, too.
One caveat before I begin:
I will use terms and pronouns which are in the context of the male-to-female aspect of being trans. This is not to minimize or dismiss the reality of female-to-male trans persons, but rather simply for ease of communication. Given it's the experience from which I speak, it's the choice that comes most naturally to me. You should read each of those references as including the unspoken addendum “or vice versa” as the F2M is just as valid a state of being as M2F.
[ed. note: Likewise transgender includes non-binary and gender non-conforming persons but this is entry level stuff and at the time I was going lightly on references to non-binary identity. In retrospect that wasn't the best choice]
With that said – let's dig in. The term “transgender” is pretty much everywhere in the news lately. In the last year, several important legal and policy precedents have been set which are exciting for those of us who are trans. Sadly, while our “profile” has been elevated in the public consciousness, accurate information has been much harder to find. Indeed, even in the most sympathetic of reporting and commentary, there's often a basic flaw which undermines the clearest understanding of being trans in the minds of those who are uninitiated.
Properly understood, “transgender” is simply a broad descriptive term which covers pretty much any state of being, or behavior, or both, which does not conform to the commonly accepted gender norms in a given culture. It is a very broad term and is, thus, quite imprecise when being used to discuss any specific issue. In fact, it is so awkward that there's considerable controversy even among trans people themselves as to how these terms are best applied. I do not propose to get lost in that particular patch of weeds on this site though, or in the context of trying to provide a simple overview.
Under the transgender umbrella are both those who have a physiological condition present from birth that is atypical of the “normal” (statistically speaking) sex characteristics of the human body, as well as those people who, for whatever reason, choose to behave, all the time, or part time, in away which does not conform to “gender norms.” While there is, as I said, some debate within the trans community about the terminology, I'll attempt to provide an easy to grasp framework that the newcomer can “wrap their head around” and caution you that you might well find some trans related sites which do not use the terms in just this way.
Broadly speaking, those with a physiological condition are called “intersex” (that which used to be called “hermaphrodite”). It had long been understood that being intersex was a separate thing from being transsexual, but more and more we are coming to understand the specific physiological basis for being transsexual and, in my view, the most logical understanding now is to consider being transsexual a subset of being intersex, or at least a cousin to.
Intersex, then, is a person with some physical characteristics typically associated with females, and some typically associated with males. This may affect genitalia, or chromosomes, or hormone production and process, or any other sex-specific physical characteristic. We now know that the human brain is, in fact, sex specific, and so logically it is also subject to the intersex phenomena. I try to avoid the use of the term “birth defect” as it has a pejorative sense, but since it is commonly used and understood – these conditions are “birth defects” like any number of other conditions, they have no choice component, nor any moral component. An intersex person is intersex in the same sense that you are, for instance, blue eyed. Or in the sense that one is autistic. Their only question is not whether or not to BE intersex, but what they will do about it when it is discovered that they are.
The problem we face is that if one is intersex in a way which a person can visibly identify, say they have both ovaries and a penis, or they have XXY chromosomes, then the public is wildly accepting and supportive of their necessary decisions. On the other hand, if the condition is not so visually easy, because it is the brain itself that is “misgendered” (i.e. that person which is, or rather was - I'll get to that, commonly called a transsexual – one who seeks to change the sexual makeup of their body to align with their perception of self) then most people simply don't understand and insist that it's simply a “lifestyle choice.” It is important, in my view, for the non-trans person to understand the distinction between those who wish to transition to the “other gender” full time, and those who do not but still are gender non-conforming. And that will be my subject next time.
During this series, I encourage anyone who has a question to speak up and at the end, if there are any, I'll do a post answering any points I was unclear on or failed to address.
Part Two
All too often within the trans community, efforts at distinction – which is a very necessary thing in the process of understanding – are read as efforts at competition, a seeking of superiority. Most of the time this is not the case. I will readily acknowledge that the position-seekers are out there. I've been grieved on many occasions to see some trans woman speak derisively of crossdressers in remarks than can serve no practical purpose other than to “get over” on someone. In so doing the trans woman commits exactly the same sort of condescension that the cis woman would comment in criticizing her.
That said, if we are to help the cis-world understand the spectrum of being trans, it does us no good to muddy the waters and be unclear about our distinctiveness. While it is true that there is a sort of “gender spectrum” which doesn't feature bright bold lines of demarcation between one “sort” and another, we can nevertheless speak in some general terms - and should, in order to clear up misconceptions, allay ill-founded fears, and gain support.
Please read what follows in that context.
I'm sometimes troubled that so much over our equality activism is constructed on the foundation “transgender” when that is such a broad and nebulous term. I think we can all agree that as a general rule, there's no place in our society for causing harm to another because they do not conform to cultural gender expectations. But that is only a matter of basic human dignity that ought to be at the root of any civilized society. On the other hand, there are things which are objectively true of the transsexual that are not true of the crossdresser, and vice-versa. It's only right and proper that we note, and openly acknowledge, that distinctiveness when trying to promote acceptance in the ill-informed culture at large.
So let's put his in the most basic terms. You may have noticed that I have, on a few occasions now, used the term "transsexual." The widely published "official position" of trans activism is that the word is obsolete and no longer considered proper to use. I respectfully decline to comply. However, the usage which I argue is proper to keep the word in service for is narrow and specific, used only to clearly communicate the following points.
A transsexual, then, no matter how they may at any given time be conducting their lives (for whatever reasons) are those who understand themselves to BE the opposite sex from that which they were identified as at birth. In the context of this discussion, an “apparent” male who is convinced that they are, despite that appearance, female – including both those who have modified their body and/or social presentation already, and those who have not (or are somewhere along the path between those two extremes). It may well include those who have not yet realized fully the source of their mental distress, but we cannot practically identify them by that term until they resolve the doubt.
A crossdresser, on the other hand, is one who is perfectly happy with and comfortable in their male sexual identity and have no desire to physically alter their visible form to that of a female. For whatever reason, from profit (as in a professional drag queen ala RuPaul) to fetish to simple comfort, the explanations vary but the basic truth is, they like being a guy and their female behavior is a “persona” that they put on and take off as it suits them. Again, there are other valid forms of being transgender, a wide spectrum thereof, but for the casually disinterested trans person, the most common misunderstanding is the distinction between those who MUST transition and those who are occasionally non-conforming.
I, for one, object to the common practice of those who do feel they should be female (i.e. characteristic of transsexual) identifying themselves as crossdressers simply because their life circumstance prevents them from an actual transition. If I may, it is your heart and soul and mind that makes you who you are, not the circumstances of your immediate moment in life. I prefer that, for clarity sake, we be clear – at least among ourselves – about what we are and are not – no matter what our life situation. Because if we expect society at large to support us, we have to give them as much understanding of what our reality is as possible. It is our “otherness” that makes us problematic to them. Knowledge breeds familiarity which in turn brings compassion. Something to think about, no?
Part Three
How then may we describe the distinction between transsexual and crossdresser? To be fair, one must acknowledge the old saw that implies that a crossdresser is simply a transsexual three years earlier. There is some truth to the notion that a significant minority of male-to-female transsexuals are so afraid to confront the implications of their identity that they spend a great deal of time and effort trying to be “only” a crossdresser.
But that said, it is nonetheless true that many self-identified crossdressers have no interest, open or suppressed, in giving up their malen-ness permanently. While a skeptical spouse or partner may wonder and worry that their crossdresser partner may at some point want to transition, in most cases they do not have to fear that outcome. For the purposes of tonight's discussion, I will use the term crossdresser (CD) to refer to those men – the ones who have no interest in modifying their body or living as a woman full time. Transsexuals (TS) in these discussions are those who do need these things to achieve inner peace.
So if you are a concerned loved one who has NO idea what to expect from the CD or TS in your life, here's a very simplistic and rudimentary overview. A starting place for your understanding, not the sum of it. If your loved one identifies themselves as trans, that person that you think of as male sees themselves as female. The most compassionate and caring thing you can do is to affirm that no matter what your eyes tell you. Remember, he assumes you will reject him - her actually. She's been wisely advised to not admit to it unless she was prepared to lose literally everything – including you. The greatest gift you can give is to lovingly accept that “Larry” is now “Lisa.” You have every right to be concerned about the larger implications for you, your family, and your relationships and you have a right to express those and have them taken seriously. But these concerns do not require you to reject her female identity. She has a long, painful (physically and emotionally) and expensive process in front of her. Your understanding, if not your support, will be priceless to her.
On the other hand, for the CD almost none of this is true. He may well be hiding his hobby because he fears you will not understand it or find it attractive, but he is – on the whole – glad to be a man. He’s been raised in a culture that places a heavy exception on males to “be manly” and to avoid being “girly” at any costs. He probably has spent many years ashamed and/or confused about-why he has the fetish he does, and this fear/confusion naturally leads to denial and secrecy. It may well be that you find such behavior in a male partner unattractive, just as one might find that being tied up during coitus, or being a nudist, is an uncomfortable and unacceptable sort of relationship. But if that's true, it does not require you to be harsh, disapproving, judgmental to your loved one.
In the discussion of activism and politics, these distinctions mater. But ultimately, on the interpersonal level, the first rule is love. View all your upcoming difficulties and choices in that context.
(the rest of this series will be compiled in the next post)
