Five Years On

And what have we learned?

September 1, 2008. I took the first rash step on what has been a life-saving journey five years ago and there's a part of me that very much wants to mark that anniversary with a profound bit of writing that will be worthy of the (completely arbitrary) milestone. But as I sit here and think back over the road thus far, I'm not sure that any profundity will emerge. Still, I don't think I want to go in an upbeat direction. I'm in a more mellow state of mind. Maybe someday I'll write a more lighthearted commentary on what I learned on "the other side of the street" so far - in a couple of months I'll reach 4 full years of full time presentation as a woman. But I'm not in that kind of mood tonight.

One of the things that you do gain, apart from the obvious, in undertaking transition is a great deal more clarity than you had before. Of course there's clarity about your own heart and mind and soul. Anyone who was not wholly invested in the necessity of this process will certainly turn back in the fact of the difficulty of the task. Occasionally you will hear of a case of "regret" or a person who decided to "de-transition" and I feel sad for those people because they are either people who tried it for the wrong reasons (Hiya Walt!) or those for whom the lack of support and outright opposition from loved ones was too much to take. Often those in that latter group ends in a tragic place. I sometimes wonder if those who pulled out every stop to undermine a transition or reject their trans "loved" one are at peace with their choices after they had to bury the one they rejected. I myself have been told, in all seriousness, that it would be far better had I taken my own life than that i transitioned - and this by those who profess to love me. what kind of love is that, exactly? So yes, you face that kind of challenge, both emotionally and all the various circumstances regarding the cost, the physical pain, the rejection of the world, the loss of career and social standing and all the rest - it burns away the dross in your life and gives you a clear view of your priority.

Likewise, you get a much clearer understanding of the immediate world around you. Trans people find themselves cut off with people that they thought were the most loyal, close family and old friends often just disappear or, if they do maintain any sort of relationship it's laced with open contempt. I'm estranged from my father, who thinks I'm "crazy as hell"...but that was a difficult relationship anyway. More surprising to me was that it's been over 4 years since I've had any interaction with my brother and, as far as I can tell, there's a specific mandate among his family to NOT give me any point of contact information. Here's a guy who, make during my hyper-religious days, came to me to tell me about his impending divorce and received nothing but understanding - even though the Bible says far more about divorce than about me. Now, when love and understanding need to flow in the other direction, the tap is turned off and welded shut. so be it.

Discretion does not even allow me to begin to comment on the things I've heard from my spouse, or the things I've experienced. suffice it to say that i have a lot more clarity about people's priorities. There are others I could comment on - my one time "best friend" who's all too willing to throw me under the bus and talk about me in terms that would imply he never liked me at all, for example. But the point is  made I think. It is, though, only fitting that I also remark that others, such as my mother, have also shown their true colors during this difficult time and that reflecting well upon their character and their heart.

You get clarity on a larger scale too, the folks so blinded by religious tradition that they lose site of what it means to love your fellow human being; the people so obsessed with making you pay that they go out of their way to poison your job prospects or even your marriage; the knowledge that even those who've known you their whole life can't show enough compassion to even have a civil discussion with you about it. And on the other hand the people you basically never knew at all until they stepped up and said "I admire your courage" and become new friends, more true than any of the ones you claimed that title that you lost.

You get clarity about the world at large and just how infested the human race is with, let's call it what it is, meanness. The hundreds and hundreds of remarks I've seen in various media from those who claim the name of Christ and profess to be defending morals which are just flat out hateful is stunning. Let's be clear, I don't toss around the word "hateful" lightly. there are several religious conservative organizations that the SPLC calls a hate group that I don't think are at all motivated by hate. They do not intentionally speak or act hatefully, it's just that their ignorance and loyalty to tradition  leads then to inadvertently say and do hateful things. THAT is not what i mean. What I refer to is, for example, the sort of thing I saw on WND just last night. You see, i can't even post a comment on that site because I'm banned, despite never having lowered myself to any sort of antagonistic comment on that site. meanwhile, the "good Christians" (so professed) go on about how trans people are perverts and freaks who ought to be institutionalized, lobotomized, or even euthanized for the good of society - and those comments and the ones who posted them go unmolested. This is not the exception, this is the majority on any number of supposed "Christian" sites.

There was a time I'd have argued such a thing would never be possible. Then you look at just how often a trans person is assaulted, raped, or killed (or all three) for the offense of being what they are and ...yeah, it's pretty hard to not be very cynical about the human race.

The remarkable thing, though, is that the more clarity you get, the more peace you have in your own soul. At least that has been my experience. It is about like the Biblical analogy of the refiner's fire. The difficulties of this process burn away the people and things in your life which are not true and worthy, and leave you with a much smaller, but more precious, possession instead.

I'm not done, far from it. in fact, in my state of poverty I despair of ever finishing the process to the extent I'd prefer. Even when or if that ever is the case, I'll still have to deal with regrets. Every day I have to remind myself to focus on what I've gained and not waste time mourning for all the experiences
I feel ought rightfully have been mine that I'll never ever get to live. There's no comparison between transitioning at 20 and transitioning at 45-50 in terms of the life you have left in front of you. but then I remember that many people my age are dealing with serious issues like cancer or renal failure or whatever, many didn't even live this long, so quit my whining and be glad for what I have.

I'm not done. not even with the things i could have done even in the midst of poverty, because I have personal obligations of the heart that i have refuse to just throw away. I have friends who don't understand my commitment, and advise me to move on. I have enemies who spit on my efforts rather than recognizing the sincerity of them because they can't see me as anything other than a villain. Certainly it would be a lie to deny that there are not moments when i am tempted to say "this is too hard" and wash my hands of it - to cut all the strings which tie me to my past life and which force me to spend some part of every day having "him" rubbed in my face. Nevertheless, I'm resolved to be able to look in the mirror every day and say "I did my best" in how I handle this situation.

Because clarity extends beyond just confirming you have the strength to transition, it shows you how much strength you have in every other area of life too.