FAQs

So, after that last monster post, this one will start off more brief. but I intend to leave it as a bit of a "running conversation" in that when I become aware of people's questions or curiosities, I can and will come back and add those to the list and answer them here. the idea here is to provide a BRIEF capsule answer to these things, not to fully explain them. Any of these might form the basis for a separate post when the mood strikes me.

Why now?
Like all transsexual (and gay) people, I tried very hard NOT to be this way because I understood the sociological consequences if I accepted this as my reality. Don't believe the baloney you hear so often that people like me choose to be this way or to live this way. If I could have done anything else (short of death) I would have.the first bit of advice given to everyone who says "I'm thinking of transitioning" is "if there's any way you can survive without doing so, don't." It's that hard.

Then why do it at all?
Because to not do so risk my sanity and my very life (and the relationships in it). Transitioning is a last resort, not something anyone enthusiastically embraces. At least, for those of us who do so later in life. it might be that those who do so very young do not feel the pressure ot "fake it" as we had.

What about your family?
is it worse for my kids to see me be brave enough to be true to myself, and stand up for my own life against the pressure of society? or for them to see me beaten down and defeated by the weight of that conformity? Is it better for them to see me admit that it's ok to not be perfect, or better for them to learn to fear speaking any unpopular truth about themselves...or to mock and ridicule any acquaintance they might have who failed to conform? More important than these questions - what the future held for them, had i kept my secret, was a world in which one day they found their father dead by his own hand and had to live with the questions of why it happened and whether it was their fault.

In other words, the question "what about your kids" presumes that the alternative to transition is a nice normal peaceful life - but that's not the case.

And your spouse?
My wife is quite literally being devastated by this situation, but she would have been had a chosen the other path as well. Even had I stayed my hand and soldiered on, she would still have found herself married to a man she did not know. An angry, bitter, depressed, reclusive, uncaring shell of a man who would have been no good to anyone no matter his appearance. She does not, of course, believe that to be true - but i know that it is. I feel, frankly, like an utter monster for the pain this has caused her, and have told her that bluntly more than once. she did not know of this going in, and did nothing to deserve the situation. But a great many men and women find their marriage rocked by an unanticipated situation which was not something they "signed on for" and i have no more choice about this, on a basic level, than I would have had about a debilitating stroke. There was no way there was going to be a "happy ending" either way.

That's not to say she couldn't have handled the situation much better - she definitely could have (and still should) but I fully understand and accept that she deserved better than what she got.

What about employment? Do you really think anyone will hire you like that?
Quite possibly not, at least not around here. But it's also true that my employment history was pretty sucky for almost a decade before I came out. large gaps in employment history work against you, never having developed a specifically marketable skill works against you, being overweight and pushing 50 works against you, having a wardrobe devastated by poverty works against you. there are many reasons why I'm in this position beyond being trans. I know trans people who are gainfully employed (albeit the unemployment rate for us is MASSIVE) and I know very respectable "normal" people who are having as much problem finding work as I. In either case, being a miserably depressed and bitter man is not way to get and keep a job either.

You mentioned homosexuals - aren't you really just gay?

That's one of the biggest misconceptions about transsexualism, and that rooted, I think, in the common con-joining of the two in political action (i.e. "LGBT"). In truth, transsexualism has NOTHING to do with sexual orientation. Many of us are, in fact, essentially asexual. but for those who remain sexual active or at least interested, some estimate as many as 2/3 of male-to-female transwomen identify post-transition as lesbians. given the prevalence of lesbians in the general population is a mere 2-3% it might be inferred that the idea that one transitions so they can safely hook up with guys is a load of hooey.

That said, for many of us, the process of transition (particularly the full effects of hormone therapy and surgery) does interplay with brain chemistry in some way and reveal a heterosexual (i.e towards males) sexual orientation. There's really not much way to know - you just see what happens. That may well happen for me, and if it does, I'm find with that. if it doesn't, I'm fine with that too. If I never have sexual intimacy with another person again because of my transition, I'm fine with that as well. The LAST thing this is about is sex.

That said, looking back over my own thought processes, i have always found, and continue to find, male-on-male sexuality to be a complete turn off which leaves me cold. Not as a moral judgement, but just as a visceral reaction. but on the other hand, when I imagined the life I would have led had I been born right, I always imagined my self being some guys girl, rather than in a lesbian relationship. I do not pretend to know what that means for my future, maybe nothing.

But the fact remains, that who you are attracted to is an entirely different subject than who you ARE. I, for one, would love to see the acronym written like this: LGB/T - even if that's only a small gesture.

Don't you get a lot of criticism?
Not as much as you'd think - at least not to my face - but yes, I get some. I handle it by reminding myself that I once thought as my critics do, and i understand the worldview behind their views. In my opinion, the only way the world gets better for people like me is if i can respectfully engage as many of my critics as possible and help them see past the cultural biases they have been taught to hold. I try to remind people that much of the pain that arises from anyone's transition is not the result of the transition itself, but of the unfortunate reactions which arise from irrational prejudice.
When a parent rejects a trans child (and it happens a LOT) or a spouse rejects a trans spouse (even more so) or a child rejects a trans parent, or whatever - it's almost never because the rejecting party is dwelling on some life complication, it's because they have been throughly trained to believe the "behavior" is WRONG.  without that mistaken worldview, the rejection does not happen.
Likewise, when  trans person can't find work, or a home to rent, it's not because they are wrong - but because of the wrong attitudes they encounter.


What do you expect to accomplish? what do you hope to accomplish?
Hope? I hope to somehow some way eventually put all my parts in the order i believe they should have been from birth - but that is, i admit, irrationally optimistic given my situation. Expect? to find a little more peace for my soul in the days I have remaining on this rock. Whether any one else "gets" me or not, for once in life I have been true to myself and if that's all i leave here with, then that's more than i had before.


What is the process of transition? what all is involved for you to complete it?
That one actually does require a rather long answer, so in the interest of the lateness of the hour and providing a complete answer, I'll break off here and add this answer and maybe more soon.